The Post-Ironic Writer's Manifesto

1.      Write.

2.      Sit at your typewriter and bleed.

3.      Sit at your laptop and procrastinate.

4.      Drink bottled vodka when thirsty.

5.      Assign themes for meals on each day of the week. This keeps the mind in check so you don’t think about anything except writing. Example: Mescal Mondays, Tapatio Hot Sauce Tuesdays, Wonton Wednesdays, Tomato Tabasco Thyme Tom-Yum Thursdays, Fry Fridays, Sushi Saturdays, Saving Grace Bread & Wine Sundays.

6.      Write love poems even when your heart is not broken. This will keep you mildly melancholic.

7.      Wear purple socks with green crocs, tattered navy trousers on top. A shirt that reads: I hate writing… and always a cape. What you do is as dangerous as bullfighting.

8.      Speak with a gruff, deep voice.

9.      Inhale helium every time you speak to an agent/publisher about your work. This way, they will know you are in touch with your feminine side and you stand for equality.

10.  Listen to Miles Davis or Bill Evans as you go to sleep, so even your dreams will be blue.

11.  Use a feather quill to sign autographs.

12.  Read everything from the Anarchist’s Cookbook to the Bible.

13.  Take ice water baths, a writer needs resolve.

14.  Smoke in hope you will die before you starve.

15.  Have a shot of espresso every thirty minutes, that way everything will come to you faster. 

16.  Go vegan. You must always be on the side of the down and out.

17.  Take selfies, only when you are in pitch-black settings. 

18.  Tell yourself you are a horrible writer.

19.  Self-inflict with love and happiness.

20.  Eat a steak for breakfast and a banana for dinner. Take whatever you can get, when you can get it.

21.  Whenever in a discussion about films, say Woody Allen is the best director and actor to have graced the silver screen.

22.  When in Rome, do whatever you want to do.

23.  Never take another writer’s advice.

24.  Follow all convention. Be straighter than a ruler.

25.  Listen to Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Justin Bieber, and all other American Idol factory-line Simon Cowell Co. music to remind yourself how uninspired art is today and that you are fighting the good fight, trying to be an artist who makes his own art.

26.  Alternatively, sell out. Your name will echo throughout history like an irritating fly alongside Stephanie Meyer and E.L. James.

27.  Stop saying “like” all the time, your speech should be as clear as your prose.

28.  Start a petition restricting the use of phones for those younger than 20, for those inside a restaurant, and for those so brain-dead they spend all their time on it. 

29.  Go live off the grid for a while.

30.  Write.

 by The Japanese Scouser