The Podcast of the Dead
Written by Shakur Grant
QUEUE INTRO MUSIC
JAMES - Hello, ladies and gentlemen, it's your host James. Hope you're having a great day today. Sun shining on this beautiful horizon. The moans of the zombies in the background, how lovely it is today. Now today, I thought we'd have a special guest, you know. Same old, same old, we keep getting those you know, those who moan, those who groan. So I found someone, a lovely man with such soul in his eyes. Let's give it up for Steve.
(CROWD CHEERING SOUND EFFECT)
STEVE - Hi, mate, thank you for having me. You know, it's been tough out of here.
JAMES - So, James, sorry, Steve, that's me. How have you enjoyed this experience?
You know, how have you felt during this tough time, as you would say, I mean, for me personally, it's been great. I've made so much profit. But you, how have you felt?
STEVE - Well, well mate I don't know really how to put it, but you know the other day I lost, I lost my son, I've lost him. We were walking around the mall trying to get some supplies. And out of nowhere. A Zombie pulls up and I just can't, I just can't get it, you know what I mean?
(WOMP, WOMP SOUND EFFECT)
Wait. mate, did you just.
JAMES - What? Sorry, what?
STEVE - Mate, did… did you just do a womp womp to my son fucking dying
JAMES - Sorry I don't know what you're on about. Would you like to carry on?
STEVE - I swear to fucking God, if you're taking the piss, about my son dying, I swear to God, I will get one of those zombies and I'll shove it right up your arse okay
JAMES - Um well must've been you know the team or something in the studio um this is, you know, a big podcast
STEVE - Studio mate, we're in a fucking living room in some dusty old apartment. What do you mean studio? What's wrong with you, eh? What you think this is a joke? Think it's a joke? We're struggling out there. We're struggling. Look at you, your little supplies in a shitty apartment. Me, you know what I've had to do I've sacrificed me fucking mother for this. I'm out here struggling day in, day out. And you can't even, you know, give me the sympathy. Give me give me that nice treatment, just to be a nice person. Like, who do you actually think you are?
(Womp Womp Sound Effect)
No, no, you've got to be taking a fucking piss. You've got to be I swear to fucking God.
JAMES - Yeah, I'm gonna keep it real of you. I really just couldn't care. We're here to talk about, you know, you know, the experience, the fun,
STEVE - What fucking fun? you think? I'm so sorry. I thoughtI was here to talk about my life story.
JAMES - No, we don't really care about your life story to be honest. This podcast goes out to people who actually, you know, want to have a good time and to be fair. Most of the people that listen to this, you know, they're above your class, as they would say. But anyway, so apart from, you know, the son dying, how would you say, you know, you've experienced the zombies themselves? Like, what have you learned from them?
STEVE - Well, I guess you could say survival. I'm a lot cleaner you know, I make sure I ain't got nothing of that infected on my hands. Yeah, honestly, honestly, that's, that's really it, to be honest, mate. Like I said, I lost my son the other day. It's pretty hard. I didn't actually even know why I’m here. It might be the grieving or something, you know what I mean, my heads fucking spinning, mate. I swear to God.
JAMES - Okay. Well, um. Yeah, uh, I don't really know what to say to that. Are you good up there? Are you okay?
STEVE - Um. Yeah, well, I'm fucking done with this. Like, do you want to give me your fucking food. Give me give me the food right now. Give me supplies. And I'm gonna fuck off. Give me a give me your food.
JAMES - No, no. Sorry, I can't be doing that. This is this is my show.
STEVE - Mate, I swear to God, don't give me that food right now. I'm going to fucking kill you.
JAMES - Okay, well, uh, we're having technical difficulties, so I'm going to have the end the podcast right here. I know it's short. Sorry, guys, but, you know, important matters. But anyway, thank you for having another listen to this incredible podcast and I'll see you next week.
OUTRO MUSIC