How (Not) to Fall in Love With a Zombie
Written by Jessica Robinson-Jones
GAB: So, picture this. You’re fifteen, it’s the most turbulent
time of your life, and you just so happen to fall in love.
Teen romance can be confusing. Hell, any romance is. But
when you throw a zombie into the mix - that’s when things
start to get real messy. And when you’re trying to hide that
zombie in your room while your parents are downstairs?
Even messier. [T.S. 00:35]
[Thud]
[Zombie growling]
[GAB shushes the zombie] [T.S. 00:40]
GAB: Welcome to the shitshow that is my current situation.
[T.S. 00:46]
[INTRO MUSIC] [T.S. 00:51]
GAB: Now, don’t get me wrong. I love a good rom-com as much as
as the next person - but there are so many things that they
don’t prepare you for. Like, for example, how to deal with
the entrails your new crush has dragged all over your
carpet. Especially when you’re up against the clock.
[T.S. 01:11]
[Scrubbing noise as GAB frantically cleans the carpet] [T.S. 01:14]
GAB: Yeah. It’s pretty bad as far as starts of relationships go,
isn’t it? Sometimes I’m not even sure it’s worth the trouble
if I’m honest. I mean, look at him. He’s utterly brainless.
Couldn’t think his way out of a paper bag. Probably doesn’t
know what a paper bag is, either. [T.S. 01:36] [Pause]
Maybe I’m being a little harsh here, but it’s true. Being in
love with a zombie sucks. It’s - [T.S. 01:45]
[Door creaks open]
GAB: Hey, what are you - get back in there! You’re not supposed
to - [T.S. 01:53]
[GAB wrestles the Zombie back into the wardrobe. It’s a struggle.]
[Thud. Bang. Clunk.] [T.S. 01:56]
GAB: It’s a pain in the arse. [T.S. 01:59]
MUM: (Downstairs) Gabriella? [Pause] Gabby? Is everything
ok? [T.S. 02:05]
GAB: (Yelling back) Everything’s fine! Don’t worry! [T.S. 02:07]
[Pause]
GAB: Take this as a warning. If you’re thinking about getting in a
relationship with a zombie - just don’t. Don’t. You’re better
off forgetting about them. Or not falling in love at all.
[T.S. 02:21]
[Thud]
GAB: Easier said than done, right? That’s what I thought too,
and look where it got me. But luckily for you, there is a way.
[T.S. 02:31]
GAB: How? Well, for starters, drop that I-can-change-them
attitude. This isn’t your fantasy romance novel.
They’re a zombie for fuck’s sake, they’re dead. No amount
of hoping is going to bring them back to life and suddenly
make them more considerate of your personal space or
the fact that you, you know, need your brain. [T.S. 02:53]
GAB: Secondly - cease all communication with them. I mean
it. Stop. It’ll only make them think they stand a chance.
Board up those windows, turn off those lights, shove
old newspaper under the door. They’ll try to break in, but
don’t let them. [T.S. 03:11]
[Sound of something being grabbed - a shovel]
GAB: Grab that shovel, hit them over the head, do
whatever you have to to keep them away. [T.S. 03:18]
[A giant crash, then a loud groan as GAB hits the zombie with the shovel] [T.S. 03:19]
GAB: Once you’ve done that, stay busy - distracting yourself is
the perfect way to get over an undead ex. Re-count your
emergency stockpile, watch those mandatory government
broadcasts, decorate your sledgehammer. Soon, you’ll have
forgotten all about them. [T.S. 03:36]
[Pause]
GAB: If you do find your mind wandering back to them, however,
all you have to do is remind yourself of their each and every
flaw. Remember the smell of rotting flesh, and the drool
that followed them everywhere? Yeah. Not so bad without
them now, is it? [T.S. 03:57]
GAB: At the end of the day, I can’t stop you if you want to go for
that cute-looking zombie across the street, but if you have
any brains left, you’ll remember my advice. Trust me. Don’t
make the same mistake I did. [T.S. 04:10]
[OUTRO MUSIC BEGINS] [T.S. O4:21]
[Zombie noises] [T.S. 04:26]
END