The Ultimate Guide To Shooting Your Mum In The Head –

Hello fellow survivors! 

I am so glad to be speaking with you, whoever you are! I thought that I should send a message before I travelled South, away from the Scottish Zombies, whose accents make their grunts especially terrifying. 

My journey has been long and arduous but it has taught me a few things. Mostly, it taught me how to kill my mum. If you too need to kill your mum, and trust me you probably will, then please read on. 

Weapons

Image credit: .22 LR Chiappa Revolver

So your mum is a zombie? Or worse, a Scottish Zombie? Then she needs to be shot in the head, right between the eyes. Easier said than done, right? Well, if you have the right gun it will definitely make it a whole lot easier! 

My personal pick would be the .22 LR Chiappa Revolver as it is light, comes with a silencer and has a cool, sleek look to it perfect for looking mysterious around the streets of Edinburgh. 

Although, if you’re a little deeper into the countryside and all you have on hand is a hunting rifle then as long as you’re at least two metres away it shouldn’t injure you too severely.

Props

Image credit: Hulk Hogan Mask

It is hard to blow your Zombie mum’s head off. Believe me, I know. Hardest of all is that it’s your mum. Maybe she wants to eat your brains now, but she’s still your mum. She still raised you, and this is the thanks she gets? 

But what if she wasn’t your mum? What if she was just another zombie in a mask, faceless and anonymous? Well dig up your old costume box from when you were little and grab that WrestleMania mask and just hover it over your zombie mum’s face. Shooting Hulk Hogan in the face is much easier.

Blame someone else 

Image Credit: flag burning

If killing your mum is still getting you down, I suggest you just blame someone else. Maybe the corrupt government or that cult commune. There’s plenty to go around at the minute. And better yet, once you have blamed them you can spend the rest of the apocalypse hunting them down and seeking your revenge. Since TV shows have become pretty sparse this is a good way to keep yourself entertained and focused at a time when people are exceedingly lost.

Just Don’t think about it

Image Credit: meditation

My favourite technique to employ in these trying times is to completely free your mind of all thoughts. Just go blank. Just forget, and forget and forget. A man I knew who was a guru in the before times taught me how to meditate. In his words there were three key steps: 

Find a quiet space. 

Focus on your breath. 

Think only of your breath. 

If you need more guidance, you can check out this tutorial: (25) 10-Minute Guided Meditation: Self-Love | SELF - YouTube

Of course, meditation isn’t for everyone, and wasn’t for me. For those people I simply recommend a good lick of moonshine to take the edge off. 

I hope that this guide will help you to traverse our new world But more importantly, I hope that this list helped you to kill your mum, and that you will write me back.

Written by Hannah Simpson