A limited time to say, I love you Part III by Georgia Pine

Time

~in memory of Audrey~

To determine how much time an object takes to travel from one point to another you have to know the distance covered and the speed at which it moves. It is often wrongly assumed that to win a race you must go as fast as possible. But consider a race car: it must accelerate to move forward, but it is equally as important for the car to decelerate, because if it doesn’t slow down before challenging turns, it will fly of the track and crash. On some journeys, if we don’t slow down, we miss the best bits. If everything blurs past your windows you miss the beautiful views. If you only concentrate on driving, you don’t appreciate the company of your passengers.

‘Talking about it helps.’

Gil had just spent three months in Zanzibar. He met his Dad at the airport in South Africa, and they caught up at a nearby bar. After so much time apart it was good to chill and regroup. With family roots in South Africa, he’d spent a lot of time there growing up. First on their agenda was visiting his Grandma. Gil was wary; he didn’t like seeing her grow old and frail but when they arrived, he was pleasantly surprised. She was sitting up in bed, chatting, happy to see her grandson, who’d grown-up so much since she last saw him.

Gil and his Dad planned to have a relaxed guy’s holiday, making the most of being at home. They set about making a list: who to see, where to go, things to do.

‘The problem with these lists,’ Gil tells me, ‘is that they never work. You never do everything you planned. In the last couple of days, you realise you have eight things left and you have to decide what to cram in and what to cut out.’

They never got to this point. Within a week his Grandmother’s health began to deteriorate. She was admitted to hospital and moved to the ICU. But she always bounced back and though Gil was worried, he thought she’d be ok.

To travel to the hospital they used a motorway that crosses a border between two townships, with frequent accidents as pedestrians cross from one to the other. Gil’s Dad was driving to the hospital when they saw blue lights in the distance.

‘Dad told me not to look.’

But, at twenty, Gil felt indestructible, willing to drink in every new experience.

‘A deceased woman lay in the road. The police had created a barrier round her, but still she had little privacy. Her friends or family were screaming and crying; they couldn’t get past the police to reach her. It was the most surreal experience of my life. Although I didn’t have the time to sit down and process it then, I think this toughened me up for the weeks ahead.’

A new day came. Gil walked into the hospital and felt… something.

‘In our family there is a very strong connection, something spiritual. I had a gut feeling. When I saw her that day, nothing made sense. Why was she like this? How had this happened? I felt helpless.’

Gil’s grandmother’s condition had deteriorated over night. The doctor told the family she had a few days left, that they should gather themselves, and prepare.

‘A week before we’d been joking about and she was poking fun at me. To go from that to this… your brain goes into shutdown mode. All you can do is cry.’

They set about gathering the family together to say goodbye.

‘Living far away from your family teaches you that plans are never 100%. It toughens you up. I was shattered emotionally and physically over the next few days.’

Gil’s aunty, cousin and partner, and another cousin arrived. His sister was in Bali and their mother called her; again, the spiritual family connection kicked in.

‘Mum didn’t have to explain. My sister just knew it was about Grandma, but she wasn’t able to get a flight in time.’

Gil threw himself into hospital life. He explained to relatives how the machines worked and why her heart rate and blood pressure were at certain levels.

‘I have no medical knowledge, but I’d been listening to doctors for days and I had to keep my mind busy. I was winging it, trying to take charge and make my relatives feel comfortable.’

With as many family members there as possible, and more on the way, they sat with his Grandma talking about the good times, sharing memories. Although unresponsive, her eyes followed the conversation and moved between each person. She listened to memories of the life her family had enjoyed with her in South Africa, of the funny little things on shelves that reminded her grandchildren of specific days spent together. She heard their memories of her husband, who had passed away a few years before.

At 8pm, when visiting hours ended, she passed away.

‘Dad had to call family who hadn’t made it in time. I’ll never forget him having to tell his sister twice, because the first time she didn’t hear. One of the hardest issues with long-distance family is having to break their hearts over the phone. It challenges your soul, mind and physical wellbeing.’

Gil thought about seeing the woman on the road a few days earlier.

‘Her family had no warning. It was too quick. They couldn’t even hold her hand in her final moments. I am hugely grateful that I was given a little time. Some people don’t have that opportunity.’

Gil told me that tragedy makes you realise how important your family are. Those who were an hour or many days of travel away were together in spirit and feeling.

After the shock the family went to a nearby hillside and had a barbecue. They ate, drank, talked, laughed and cried, reminiscing the good times as a family.

‘Distance makes you incredibly aware of how important your family is. It reminds you we all have a limited time to say I love you.’[1]

Distance, displacement and time: all mathematical and physical, yet fundamentally important to our long-distance relationships. The scientific cannot and should not be separated from the artistic. Distance is referred to in music about loved ones: I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers.[2] Displacement is a theme found in many poems, including those in Rupi Kaur’s Milk and Honey.[3] Time is used to create emotion and progress in literature; Normal People by Sally Rooney is a good example. This series has only looked at the experience of three people, when in reality there are unlimited ways to experience distance within relationships. But consider a time when you’ve been far away from your loved ones – the distance, displacement and time are likely to be the strongest factors affecting your and their emotions. They provide a way of grasping the science of love in a limited time.

[1] Anonymous, Telephone conversation with Georgia Pine (19 March 2020).

[2] ‘I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)’ in Sunshine on Leith, (Oxfordshire, Chipping Norton Recording Studios: 1998).

[3] Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey, (Missouri: Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2015).

by Georgia Pine

About A limited time to say, I love you

This is a four-part exploration of love, long distance relationships and the effects they have on us. It forms part of 2nd year English and Creative Writing student Georgia Pine’s work for the Creative Non-Fiction module and it includes illustrations by Lois Smith. Installments will be published monthly across the summer. This is the fourth and final installment.