Nest: Letter Five
Flynn,
By the time you read this, I’ll already be gone. Sara is safe, we both are. Please don’t try and find us. There’s no point. Just give me some time.
I’m sorry it has to be like this, but I don’t know how to be with you anymore. We both know things haven’t been right between us for the past few years but this... This is too much.
I found your other passport. The one with the name James Maas. I don’t know who that is, or why you share the same face. But what I do know is that it can’t be good. I just wanted to do something nice – book us a holiday, somewhere with a beach. All I wanted was for the three of us to get out of this godforsaken house. But you know, whenever I try to do something a little out of routine, it always backfires. Remember McDonough’s trough? Ever since we found that nest, you’ve been off, even more than before. I thought I could handle the coldness, but I can’t. And why did you lie to me about the missing egg! It’s right here next to the real nest too, and Helena’s letter, but don’t worry, I haven’t read it. Unlike you, I'm not in the habit of breaking one's trust.
Anyway, I was looking in the office, trying to find our passports, when I saw it... The funny thing is though, I didn’t just see the passport, did I? Documents from Her Majesty’s Government were also in the drawer, talking about some figurehead, Matías Abril in Panama. So, I guess that’s where you were last week, on that little business trip of yours. To think that I was worried about you. To think that I had contacted Dr Pennlan ABOUT YOUR WELL-BEING. After I found out about your condition, I thought, okay so this is what you’ve been hiding – just trying not to worry me. But how wrong I was, huh... Silly little darling, Olya.
HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO TRUST YOU AFTER THIS?
Twenty plus years of marriage, and this is what I'm left with: a lying husband. You know, if it weren’t for our daughter, I would’ve left you years ago. Everyone kept telling me that you were hiding things from me, but I chose to believe you. Why is it that I always lose my perspective with you? I’m continually ignoring the signs and in the end, I’m always left burnt. Me trying to fight for this marriage isn’t helping anyone.
I’ve over this. Crying over you, over the lies you told, the secrets you’ve kept. There are no more tears for this relationship.
But why lie to me about the egg? It looks like it’s about to hatch, by the way. It has been knocking about the nest all morning, probably trying to break free from you – like me. Ha! It’s all little poetic, don’t you think?
We were supposed to be partners, be honest with each other – though I guess if you’ve got to lie for a living, what chance did we have? Did we ever have a chance, Flynn? Do I even care anymore, maybe...? Look, here I go again, wanting to believe in you. Even after all this.
None of that matters now, like I said at the beginning – I'm going away for a while. I need to think, be away from you – be out of your orbit. I’m letting you be free of any guilt you might have. You can now do what you do best, whatever that is, without the fear of me catching you. Without you having to sneak out through the backdoor. Me and my baby are going to be just fine. Maybe us not being around, not in your way, will give you a chance to figure out what you want.
You were my everything, Flynn. In some ways, you might still be, but...
I still love you, Fly, but you’ve left me alone in this marriage.
I’ll send you our location when the time is right. Or we’ll come back, I’m not sure yet. I haven’t figured it all out. (I know, that’s a first). Just stay here, at home, at the house. Go to Helena’s if it becomes too... quiet.
Goodbye.
Yours,
Olya.
P.S. The egg hatched. I didn't touch anything, but it looked scared.
by Daniella Ferguson-Djaba
About Nest
Nest is our epistolary project, written collaboratively by students and staff and published every fortnight right here on Falwriting. You can find out more about Nest here, and read Letter Four here.
If you just arrived to this series or want to reread the letters, you can find Letter Three, Letter Two and Letter One here.
Nest Podcast
Click here if you’d like to hear Daniella discussing her writing process and influences for Nest: Letter Five.
You can also listen to our previous Nest podcasts here.