How to Survive Visiting 'Great' Britain

Written by Tallulah Gosset

You’ve landed at one of London’s many airports. The stench of public transport awaits. The overwhelming throng of sweaty bodies. The ceaseless rain drizzling down your necks as you wait for a taxi.

Whether you came for the scintillating architecture, now stained by fog and pigeon mess, or for the winding high streets, filled with empty storefronts and bankruptcy signs, you have made it. Please, enjoy! And if you fear what you may find here, follow these simple rules and you’ll be just fine.

1.       Become well-versed in our National Anthem

At any point, you may be stopped in the street and asked to recite our national anthem, or face the consequences. Do not fear! This is a beautiful song, built on our history and the iconic words penned by a genius. A true joy to learn, and a wonderful way of creating bonds with new friends on a drunken night out. Ah, the number of times I’ve found myself winding down a road, arm in arm with a stranger, hollering to the heavens this most iconic of songs.

Follow this link to learn the famous words.

2.       Acquainted yourself with the local Gods

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a country in a mess must be in want of salvation. Britain has adopted local legends, and raised them to mythic statuses to try and bring a semblance of joy to the masses. These are useful to know, to pray to in times of hardship or use to bond with the local inhabitants. Perhaps the most well-known is the mighty Boris Johnson, the bumbling, hopeless hero we have lifted to new heights of renown. Or the iconic Liz Truss, defeated by a lettuce. Nigel Farage, Piers Morgan, Prince Andrew, Suella Braveman: legendary figures all round.

3.       Queuing and Public Transport

As a bus or train rolls in, you will find yourself lumped into a naturally occurring phenomenon called The British Queue. They will stand too close. A stranger will breathe on your neck. There is no escape once captured. Simply take a breath, trust that it will pass, and defend your spot with your life.

4.       Authentic British Cuisine

Throw aside the traditional cream teas and scones, throw aside the Full English Breakfasts and Victoria Sponge Cake. Why go for these tired options, when a deep-fried Mars bar is on the same menu? Rich in fat and sugar, allow it to become a staple to your diet as it is for so many in this wondrous country. Click here for an authentic recipe.

5.       The Weather

The Weather app lies. If you think it will rain, it will not. If it is all sun and blue skies overhead, it will rain. If you remember your umbrella, it will not rain. A fickle thing – British weather. Try your very best to carry an emergency umbrella at all times; you will use it more than you know...

6.       Tea Etiquette

Tea bag first. Water second. A gentle squeeze of the bag. Milk last. Do not refuse tea. Do not ask for alternative milks. Do not show a hint of it scalding your lips. Sip pleasantly. Make polite comments on the weather.