Charlie Kelly - The Podcast
DISCLAIMER - This piece was written for a fictional scenario and is (sadly) not being produced.
Written by - Abiramy Yogeswaran
It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia Still, DryedMangoez
12:00 PM
On a Friday
Philadelphia, PA
Charlie Kelly, janitor at Paddy’s pub, king of the rats, and bird law expert has decided to start a podcast. He promised his friends to interview them but had ulterior motives for the podcast all along. Nobody writes a musical for no reason. Nobody starts a podcast for no reason.
Charlie Kelly – The Podcast
Charlie: Hello everyone, so uhh … this is my podcast, I’m doing a podcast. My name is Charlie Kelly, and I am your Charlie Kelly the podcast host. I’m talking to you from Paddy’s pub in Philadelphia.
Mac (in the background): Philly!!
Charlie: You’re not supposed to talk yet. So today, I’m going to be interviewing my friend and business partner, Mac.
Dennis: You’re not a business partner, Charlie. You don’t have any shares.
Frank (in the background): Ahh shit!
Charlie: What?
Dennis: Yeah, we’ve discussed this like a million times, you sold all your shares to us.
Charlie: Okay, whatever, we’ll discuss this late-
Dennis: No, there’s nothing to discuss.
Charlie: Yeah, okay, we’ll discuss it later, here’s Mac everybody!
Mac: Heyooo! What up jabronis.
Charlie: No, Mac… don’t say that.
*clanking, rattling sound in the background*
Mac: I thought you said it was awesome.
Charlie: Yeah, I meant as like a hockey term. This is a podcast, Mac, this isn’t a hockey game. I mean, do you see ice here, are we wearing ice skates?
Mac: Alright, fine, fine.
Dee (approaching from the background): Hey!... Hey! Are you recording the podcast?
Charlie, Mac: Uhm...uhh
Dee: Ohh, come on! Charlie, you said you were gonna interview me!
Frank (in the background): Aarghh!
*sound of glass breaking in the background*
Mac: No, he’s interviewing me, obviously.
Charlie: Obviously.
Dee: Goddamnit, Charlie! Why would you even interview him? He has nothing interesting to contribute.
Mac: You bitch!
*sound of chair and table shaking, Mac trying to choke Dee*
Dennis: Hey, hey! Break it off!
*Dee coughs*
Charlie: You’re ruining my podcast!
Dennis: Okay, you know what. You guys don’t have the talent or the intellect to make an interesting podcast. I, however, do. We’re gonna revive the Dennis and Dee podcast.
*thud in the background*
Dee: Yeah, yeah.. and we’re gonna be famous cause our podcast was awesome.
Dennis: Yeah, come on, let’s go.
Dee: See ya later, bitches.
Charlie: You don’t think their podcast is gonna be better than mine, do you?
Mac: What? No, no, their podcast is gonna suck, I mean Dee’s in it. She’s just a big bird.
Charlie: Yeah, haha, Dee’s a bird.
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: So, uhm, we’re running out of time and-
Mac: What? You haven’t even asked me any questions.
Charlie: Yeah, but I also gotta cover some other stuff.
Mac: What other stuff?
Charlie: This is for you, waitress.
*slow romantic melody plays*
Mac: What the hell?
Charlie (singing): Dear waitress, if you are dateless-
Mac: Stop it, stop it! What the hell, bro?
Charlie: Mac, you’re ruining my proposal.
Mac: Your proposal?
Charlie: Yeah, dude, that’s what the whole podcast is about, that-
*gunshot*
Dennis (in the background): What are you doing, Frank?!
Frank (in the background): Fixing the beer dispenser
Dee: Heyooo!
Frank: Is it my turn yet, Charlie?
Charlie: You missed your turn, Frank! You missed your turn.
*gunshot*
Charlie: Okay, you know what, you know what, we’re done.
Mac: No, wait-
Frank (in the background): Hey, I think I fixed it!
*recorder crackling*