Fighting the Fraud: Combating Imposter Syndrome at University

Imposter syndrome

Definition:

A subjective experience of phoniness in people who believe that they are not intelligent, capable, or creative… who are highly motivated to achieve but live in perpetual fear of being ‘found out’ or exposed as frauds.[1]

When I stumbled across this term, it was a light-switch moment. There was an actual term that could describe what I was once feeling so intensely, a feeling that was holding me back. If this sounds like you, then you may find it useful to keep reading.

If someone had told me in my first term of my undergraduate degree at Falmouth, that in three years’ time I would graduate with a 1st in English and go on to do an MA in Professional Writing, I would have laughed in their face. Really, raucously laughed. And yet, here I am.

During my first few terms, hell, during my first two years at University, I felt this overwhelming sense that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t really know what I was talking about, that any minute someone would figure out that I was a fraud. The powers above would waltz into that seminar room right there and then, point their, um… pointy stick thing at me, announcing, ‘there she is!’ and I would have to leave.

I felt exposed and inadequate.

When I – sometimes painfully – look back on my work during this time, I can see the supposed ‘imposter’ manifesting in my writing.

Why did I feel like this?

Well, there is a plethora of reasons I could ruminate as to why. I hadn’t taken the traditional A-Level route, I was classed as a mature student. I am a mother and so I wasn’t experiencing the ‘typical’ university experience. I could further by guessing it was because I hadn’t studied English since school, I was quite a shy person and struggled to speak out during seminars, it was a new and frankly frightening experience… the list goes on. In reality, we all have our reasons, no matter how dissimilar they appear on the surface. Yet, I failed to realise that each university experience was completely unique and just because I didn’t have the same background or experience as my peers, that didn’t suddenly invalidate my position on the degree.

The more I spoke to people during my time at Falmouth, it became apparent that many others had felt the same at some point. It’s normal.

As time went on and third year approached (in the blink of an eye), I had obtained newfound confidence. It goes without saying that this didn’t happen overnight. Looking back retrospectively, I think the small, active changes I made had a profound effect on my personal well-being, confidence and subsequently, my work.

So, my fellow SOWJ family, I write this now for two reasons. Firstly, I want to help. I wish I could have had the insight I do now, back then. Secondly, as I embark on the should-be exciting journey of a postgraduate degree, I find the same feelings of doubt resurfacing. I want to help us both, and so I have compiled a list of things that helped me then and can hopefully help again now.

How to stop the imposter

1. Talking

First and foremost, talk to people about how you’re feeling. As clichéd or uncomfortable as that may sound, it works. I’ve found transparency to be my greatest tool. Talk to people on your course, housemates, friends, family or lecturers. I lose count of how many times I have emailed my lecturers on things I’m unsure about; the tiniest detail I haven’t understood in a seminar that is niggling away at my confidence. And 100% of the time they have responded with advice or directed me to sources that could be of use. It is what they are there for and they are always happy to help, no matter how big or small. Once I started talking about not understanding or feeling that I didn’t know enough, I felt far more in control of the situation. In turn, my confidence on the course began to grow organically.

2. Let go of the idea you have to know everything

Ask yourself this, how did you get to the exact point in time you are at right now? The answer is through learning, listening, failing, succeeding and most importantly, living. Nobody is born with the inbuilt skills to know how to structure a novel, how to know all the prolific writers of the Modernist canon, nor to know how many sonnets Shakespeare wrote, but we learn. Some may be further ahead in their journey than you – and that’s okay. I spent so long agonizing over what I didn’t know, over how much my historical knowledge was lacking compared to others, over how slow I was at writing compared to others. I wasted precious time on doing so, time that could have been otherwise invested. Let go of the shame of not knowing and embrace what you have ahead of you to learn – flip it on its head. You are all unique individuals that have your own qualities to bring to the table, spend time focusing on what qualities you already possess, the rest can come later.

3. Read, read and read again

I mean, it goes without saying that we are all within the School of Writing and Journalism because we enjoy some form of reading and writing. But how many of us are guilty of just reading texts that appeal to us? Or reading writing styles we aspire to? Or reading the things we deem as personally important? I know that I did for far too long. It was only when I started to read outside of my comfort zone and tackle texts that didn’t always sit easily with me, that my style and interests really begin to develop. By reading a wider range of literature, or really putting the time into dissecting that unpalatably laborious journal article you have been set, your creative confidence will grow, and you’ll begin to obtain a nuanced understanding of the literary world. I felt that because I already had a good grasp of the English language and had read a fair amount, my need for reading outside of what I liked could just stop there. My writing would magically grow and obtain its own style from the wonderful depths of my brain. I was wrong. Go to the library and read something completely irrelevant to you at this moment, or something wildly out of your comfort zone. You will be surprised by what you take from it. Also, do as much of the reading that is set to you as you can. Give yourself the best chance of understanding and fighting the imposter.

4. Redefine the way you view criticism and failure

As C.S. Lewis once said, ‘failures are finger posts on the road to achievement,’[2] and I know this much to be true. Receiving criticism verbally has never been something that has bothered me, unless meant in a malicious way. Receiving constructive criticism from friends or lecturers on my work has always helped and given me a fresh perspective on what I’m writing or reading. Yet, I think that fear of heavy criticism and failure stopped me from exploring things that may have interested me. Through fear of getting things wrong, or lecturers not liking it, I played it safe far too often. I took a plunge and wrote an essay on Franz Kafka at the end of my second year that was completely different from anything I had written before. I had so much fun writing it. I took a different approach to structure, style and content and just went for it. I was really nervous about what the outcome would be, but it turned out to be my first 1st. This was then the type of style I adopted and used for the rest of my degree, which was great. When it first happened, I was annoyed at myself for my previous essays and the failures I had encountered. But I shouldn’t have been. Each of those failures indicated to me that something needed to change. They were a part of my journey to bettering my writing. Another type of criticism we are all going to experience at university is through our lecturer's feedback. That stomach-churning moment on the day our results are released of them pulling apart our work. This never happens. The criticism will always be constructive and useful for the future. If you want to improve, if you want to stop feeling unconfident, if you want to stop the imposter and take control of the situation,

Write.

It.

Down.

Write down what the lecturers have said you need to improve on so that when the next semester and deadlines come creeping up on you, you know exactly what to avoid. This sounds so simple, but I made the same mistakes over and over by overlooking what they had advised. Redefine and reclaim criticism, use it to your benefit.

5. Applaud yourself for the success

When you’re under huge amounts of pressure, you are putting in hours of work and not always getting the results you want, it is so easy to overlook the good bits. I can guarantee, even if you are feeling out of place, a little deflated and lost, there are still going to be some little nuggets of magic amongst the bad. Between the weaknesses or the failures, there are going to be moments of joy and good writing. When reading your feedback on results day, yes, take the criticism on board, but also take a long hard look at the positives. Bask in the compliments that others give you, bathe in the deep pool admiration and frolic in the field of praise. Most of us live in a culture where taking compliments is somehow embarrassing or you brush them off through fear of appearing conceited. But don’t feel that way, you have earned that achievement and you deserve to give it just as much attention as the negatives, if not more. Shaking up your outlook and being aware of all the good you are doing will help to silence that niggling imposter.

by Isabella Alldred